Post by Shadow on Dec 24, 2004 11:46:58 GMT -5
This is not really a poem. But the thing is that I just need to get this off my chest.
On my knees again. Begging forgiveness. Tears streaming down the keen edges of my face as I cry. Crying, not in sadness for what others have done, but instead of for what I have done to myself. I destroy myself. I force myself abandoned? So shattered? So empty?
Always because of me I am alone.
Blood streams from the various wounds that splash across every soft piece of my skin. Trickling. Pouring. The pain is unbearable, my sobs so harsh I can barely speak? My body so worn and trembling. My flesh shaking as I rock back and forth, shaking? Shivering?
The blood was thick? Dark. It trailed off the edges of my elbows and down the sides of my ribs, dripping off to stain my surroundings. To discolor my world of bright shines, to darken the place where I rested, where my soul would lie in sleep, with the mark of my weakness. My blood. My frailty? Oh so lost as I lie where I fall unprotected? Unwanted? Beaten? Broken? Bruised?
I don't know why I am the way I am. Don't know why I do the things I do. Don't know why I'm so weak, so vulnerable, when it comes to other people? Don't know why I cannot stand up for myself, to pull my strength together and get off my knees. But I know I cannot change it. I'm so used to being on the floor I drop down before I fall. I lay there, crying, screaming, bleeding, in the same spot I've bled before. The fresh new blood from my skin mingles with the old? The sweat and tears stream down to gather where the others have stained. I am weak. I am alone. And forever will I be this way?
Yet I'm already broken, let me heal before you whip me again? Let me draw back and lick my wounds, crawl inside myself, wallow in self-pity and self-hate. Let me bleed myself dry and grow scars where I was gashed?let me heal? Let me breathe again? let me stand up?just once? Only once? And you will be free to knock me down again? But let me get a little of my strength?please, just a little?
My wide, fearful eyes couldn't focus, the tears were too strong. But somehow I could feel that whip being pulled back, that anger backing up?only to spring forth and attack me again. My body tensed and my muscles went rigid, my flesh rippling so insanely I could not hold still if I tried. Sobs escaped my soul as I wrapped my weak arms around myself, my fingers sticking to the bloody wounds, my palms slick from their touch?
I begged him? I pleaded? Just hold back for a moment?please? Let me heal a little before you beat me again?
But his heart was so cold, his eyes hard and cruel. I had wronged him and must accept the punishment for my doings? I would be allowed no leniency? No kindness?No mercy?
So I leaned my body forward 'til my head near touched the ground? And I exposed my bloody back for his torture. My torture. The hurt I had bestowed upon myself when I did him wrong? The pain I forced myself into? The wounds I had myself created?
I closed my eyes tight as the whip flashed down, saving my breath for my life? Saving it for when I would need it to live? To survive?
Yet one of these days I would be beaten too harshly. I would be broken and shattered too far for any healing?
I bit my lip 'til blood seeped through? Draining down my face to mix with the red of my wounds?
I wrapped the blanket around myself, holding myself, rocking myself back and forth as I tried to force my mind to sleep. Tried to forget the words spoken to me that played about in my mind. Hurting me. Accusing me. Torturing me, over and over again. Like whiplashes each sentence sprung pain, and like the weakness I am I always bent down and I took it. I always backed down to those who broke me, always allowed them to tear me apart?
Tears rippled down my cheeks, my makeup dark and smeared in thin lines 'cross my skin. The black of my room held no comfort, the silence only shame? Only reflecting what I'd done? Reflecting what I did to deserve the hurt I felt?
And slowly, so slowly, I fell back into my blankets, my pillows, my embrace? And lost myself to where my soul lay wounded?
Lay crying?
Bleeding?
Suffering?
And I took a deep breath to embrace it all, as I had time and time again
This means alot to me more then you will ever know. So please leave a comment tell me what you think.
On my knees again. Begging forgiveness. Tears streaming down the keen edges of my face as I cry. Crying, not in sadness for what others have done, but instead of for what I have done to myself. I destroy myself. I force myself abandoned? So shattered? So empty?
Always because of me I am alone.
Blood streams from the various wounds that splash across every soft piece of my skin. Trickling. Pouring. The pain is unbearable, my sobs so harsh I can barely speak? My body so worn and trembling. My flesh shaking as I rock back and forth, shaking? Shivering?
The blood was thick? Dark. It trailed off the edges of my elbows and down the sides of my ribs, dripping off to stain my surroundings. To discolor my world of bright shines, to darken the place where I rested, where my soul would lie in sleep, with the mark of my weakness. My blood. My frailty? Oh so lost as I lie where I fall unprotected? Unwanted? Beaten? Broken? Bruised?
I don't know why I am the way I am. Don't know why I do the things I do. Don't know why I'm so weak, so vulnerable, when it comes to other people? Don't know why I cannot stand up for myself, to pull my strength together and get off my knees. But I know I cannot change it. I'm so used to being on the floor I drop down before I fall. I lay there, crying, screaming, bleeding, in the same spot I've bled before. The fresh new blood from my skin mingles with the old? The sweat and tears stream down to gather where the others have stained. I am weak. I am alone. And forever will I be this way?
Yet I'm already broken, let me heal before you whip me again? Let me draw back and lick my wounds, crawl inside myself, wallow in self-pity and self-hate. Let me bleed myself dry and grow scars where I was gashed?let me heal? Let me breathe again? let me stand up?just once? Only once? And you will be free to knock me down again? But let me get a little of my strength?please, just a little?
My wide, fearful eyes couldn't focus, the tears were too strong. But somehow I could feel that whip being pulled back, that anger backing up?only to spring forth and attack me again. My body tensed and my muscles went rigid, my flesh rippling so insanely I could not hold still if I tried. Sobs escaped my soul as I wrapped my weak arms around myself, my fingers sticking to the bloody wounds, my palms slick from their touch?
I begged him? I pleaded? Just hold back for a moment?please? Let me heal a little before you beat me again?
But his heart was so cold, his eyes hard and cruel. I had wronged him and must accept the punishment for my doings? I would be allowed no leniency? No kindness?No mercy?
So I leaned my body forward 'til my head near touched the ground? And I exposed my bloody back for his torture. My torture. The hurt I had bestowed upon myself when I did him wrong? The pain I forced myself into? The wounds I had myself created?
I closed my eyes tight as the whip flashed down, saving my breath for my life? Saving it for when I would need it to live? To survive?
Yet one of these days I would be beaten too harshly. I would be broken and shattered too far for any healing?
I bit my lip 'til blood seeped through? Draining down my face to mix with the red of my wounds?
I wrapped the blanket around myself, holding myself, rocking myself back and forth as I tried to force my mind to sleep. Tried to forget the words spoken to me that played about in my mind. Hurting me. Accusing me. Torturing me, over and over again. Like whiplashes each sentence sprung pain, and like the weakness I am I always bent down and I took it. I always backed down to those who broke me, always allowed them to tear me apart?
Tears rippled down my cheeks, my makeup dark and smeared in thin lines 'cross my skin. The black of my room held no comfort, the silence only shame? Only reflecting what I'd done? Reflecting what I did to deserve the hurt I felt?
And slowly, so slowly, I fell back into my blankets, my pillows, my embrace? And lost myself to where my soul lay wounded?
Lay crying?
Bleeding?
Suffering?
And I took a deep breath to embrace it all, as I had time and time again
This means alot to me more then you will ever know. So please leave a comment tell me what you think.