Post by strangeclouds on Oct 25, 2004 1:27:47 GMT -5
"What would you do if someone kidnapped me, Daddy?" I asked.
"I'd look for whoever took you, and when I found 'em, I'd kill 'em."
I smiled. "But what if I was gone for a whoooole year?" I remembered as a child, a year seemed like a lifetime to me.
He frowned. "I'd keep looking." He said.
"But what if-"
"That's enough." He said.
'Daddy doesn't care about me.' I thought. "How long until we get there?" I asked.
"Well," he said, "about ten minutes."
"But how long," I asked again. "How far do we have to walk?"
"About a hundered feet, I guess. The length of a football field."
A crease formed in my brow. I looked ahead of us- it seemed endless. "Where are we going?" I asked. Another meaningless question of the hundereds I asked.
"I already told you," He said. I always had a habit of forgetting. "We're gonna go down there and see if there's a river so we can go fishin', honey- and then, we can go exploring."
"Okay, Daddy." I said. "So- we have to walk a hundered steps to get there?"
"Well," he smiled, "about that- until we have to turn."
"Well, then how far?"
He sighed again. "Honey, I don't know."
I frowned again. 'Daddy doesn't love me.'
I think about it now- someone once told me they call them 'feet' because people used to walk out the measurements of how long coffins should be. But when they gave the measurements to other people, sometimes they had smaller feet, and they'd be too poor to afford another coffin made, so they'd have to cut off the dead person's feet, and lay them in the coffin next to them.
My dad used to always promise me things that I knew he'd never give me. He used to always say 'someday' when I asked for something. I'd look off in the distance when he said that. It always seemed so far- although, someday seemed to be just over those treetops. But as soon as I'd follow it, the trees would be over me, and I couldn't see anything.
I remembered, going into the living room and finding my father crying once. I asked, "What's wrong Daddy?"
"Well, honey," he said, "Your momma doesn't love me anymore."
"Well," I paused. I didn't know what to say. "Big boys don't cry. Don't cry Daddy."
"You're right honey, big boys- don't cry." He wiped away his tears, avoiding my eyes. "Do you know what divorce is, honey?"
I shook my head. "Well, it means I can't see you everyday anymore." He started sobbing again.
I remembered the time he and my mother were fighting and she grabbed me to run outside to the car.
"Come on, Tammy," she said. Her eyes were so wide- I had almost fallen because my mother's legs were so much longer than mine.
"Stop it!" I yelled as I pulled away from her. She made me drop my doll. The one my Aunt Sylvia gave me for Christmas. The one I didn't thank her for because I thought it looked cheap. I was furious. I had just brushed her hair for what seemed like forever. Now she had grass in it.
"Hurry, Tammy!" her voice was almost shrill now, and I knew I was going to get in trouble if I didn't hurry up.
I was still mad at her.
"Okay, okay," I said. She had to lift me up to get me into the car. It wasn't making things look better for her to know she was just throwing me around. My mother steadied the keys in her hand to start the car, missing the keyhole a few times before she got it in. My father yelled as he ran towards us.
"Daddy!" I squealed. I had just realized we were leaving without him. I was glad he was coming.
She put the car in reverse as he laid his hand against my window, and punched my mother in the face through the other one. All I remmeber was I thought 'Man, now he got glass all in the car, and now Mom's going to have to clean it.' I had put my hands out as it happened. I looked at my palms as I squinted my eyes. It almost seemed dream-like for a moment. It was actually really beautiful. Things quickened back up as she opened the door and he brought her back inside. I sat there for a moment, fluffing my red calico dress made of thick cotton- catipulting tiny pieces of glass off of me. They fell on the floor. I wondered if I'd get in trouble for that. I sat in the car for another minute, wondering of I should wait for her to come back out, if we were still going somewhere. After awhile, I sighed and pushed open the door and went inside. I walked down our wooden floor hallway, the one I'd gotten yelled at for pretending I was in a fashion show with every single pair or my mother's high heeled shoes.
I passed my room on the way- I had a Looney Toons lightswitch plate. "It looks like a tornado ran through here," they'd always say, when the Salina's kids used to come over and play. One time Petey took out one of my goldfish from the tank and dropped it. The all laughed as it flopped on the floor.
"Don't laugh, he can't breathe!" I screamed, as I tried to get hold of him and returned him to his tank. They kept laughing. So I told them to go home. I was sad when they left. I had spent lots of time in my room alone, with my Teddy Ruxpin, until the kids at daycare broke it- after pleads from my mother to leave it at home.
By this time I had reached my parents room. My mother was on the bed, crying.
"What happened?" I asked, I had already forgotten.
"Your Dad hit me," she said. He shushed her and tried to console her sobs. "Don't touch me!" she screamed.
I raised my eyebrows as my parents told me to get out.
"Why can't I see you anymore?" I asked
"Because, sweetie, I can't live here anymore."
By this time, my dad had already told me to go to bed. And I hated sleeping alone. As soon as my sister grew up, all I would soon want would be to sleep alone. I would soon be the time when I would visit my dad in the trailer parks he lived in while I watched him drink and leave to go shoot-up next door, while I left my less than a year old sister in the tub, when I said I'd watch her, because the commercials were over on Married with Children, and I couldn't watch that at home.
"Do you mind if I bathe your daddy?" She had said. I looked down, away from her bleach blonde hair and dirty wrinkled skin. I didn't even know her name.
"Yeah, I guess- I- I don't care." I said. 'What the fuck did you expect me to say?' I thought.
These were the times when I'd have to sit alone again, in these houses where- the men would dissappear into rooms and come back out- and lay against the wall with their heads down, their hair hanging over their faces. And I'd wonder- Why? Why did they have to look like that? Why did they lay on the floor like that? How can the way someone moves their head be so scary? And why didn't they ever say anything?
These would be the times when my mother would drive off with me in the car and my father would chase us in what seemed like would be forever. He would stand there as I'd watch him in the distance until he walked back and dissapeared. My mother would wipe away the tears from her eyes as I turned on my magenta walkman and listen to the same station that was on the radio.
I remembered a long time aferward, when I had grown alot from age six, when he came to visit us. I was probably about twelve now. He told me he was going to take me and Danielle somewhere really nice, like Fiesta Texas, but it was too much- 'A hundred dollars.' He said- and Daddy didn't have much money. We didn't hold him accountable for it. A hundred dollars seemed like a million to us. So we walked instead.
"You see that rock over there, Tammy?" He said. "When you were little, you used to be a brave little thing. You would have turned that rock over in a heartbeat." He smiled.
"Well, things are different now." I said.
"I'd look for whoever took you, and when I found 'em, I'd kill 'em."
I smiled. "But what if I was gone for a whoooole year?" I remembered as a child, a year seemed like a lifetime to me.
He frowned. "I'd keep looking." He said.
"But what if-"
"That's enough." He said.
'Daddy doesn't care about me.' I thought. "How long until we get there?" I asked.
"Well," he said, "about ten minutes."
"But how long," I asked again. "How far do we have to walk?"
"About a hundered feet, I guess. The length of a football field."
A crease formed in my brow. I looked ahead of us- it seemed endless. "Where are we going?" I asked. Another meaningless question of the hundereds I asked.
"I already told you," He said. I always had a habit of forgetting. "We're gonna go down there and see if there's a river so we can go fishin', honey- and then, we can go exploring."
"Okay, Daddy." I said. "So- we have to walk a hundered steps to get there?"
"Well," he smiled, "about that- until we have to turn."
"Well, then how far?"
He sighed again. "Honey, I don't know."
I frowned again. 'Daddy doesn't love me.'
I think about it now- someone once told me they call them 'feet' because people used to walk out the measurements of how long coffins should be. But when they gave the measurements to other people, sometimes they had smaller feet, and they'd be too poor to afford another coffin made, so they'd have to cut off the dead person's feet, and lay them in the coffin next to them.
My dad used to always promise me things that I knew he'd never give me. He used to always say 'someday' when I asked for something. I'd look off in the distance when he said that. It always seemed so far- although, someday seemed to be just over those treetops. But as soon as I'd follow it, the trees would be over me, and I couldn't see anything.
I remembered, going into the living room and finding my father crying once. I asked, "What's wrong Daddy?"
"Well, honey," he said, "Your momma doesn't love me anymore."
"Well," I paused. I didn't know what to say. "Big boys don't cry. Don't cry Daddy."
"You're right honey, big boys- don't cry." He wiped away his tears, avoiding my eyes. "Do you know what divorce is, honey?"
I shook my head. "Well, it means I can't see you everyday anymore." He started sobbing again.
I remembered the time he and my mother were fighting and she grabbed me to run outside to the car.
"Come on, Tammy," she said. Her eyes were so wide- I had almost fallen because my mother's legs were so much longer than mine.
"Stop it!" I yelled as I pulled away from her. She made me drop my doll. The one my Aunt Sylvia gave me for Christmas. The one I didn't thank her for because I thought it looked cheap. I was furious. I had just brushed her hair for what seemed like forever. Now she had grass in it.
"Hurry, Tammy!" her voice was almost shrill now, and I knew I was going to get in trouble if I didn't hurry up.
I was still mad at her.
"Okay, okay," I said. She had to lift me up to get me into the car. It wasn't making things look better for her to know she was just throwing me around. My mother steadied the keys in her hand to start the car, missing the keyhole a few times before she got it in. My father yelled as he ran towards us.
"Daddy!" I squealed. I had just realized we were leaving without him. I was glad he was coming.
She put the car in reverse as he laid his hand against my window, and punched my mother in the face through the other one. All I remmeber was I thought 'Man, now he got glass all in the car, and now Mom's going to have to clean it.' I had put my hands out as it happened. I looked at my palms as I squinted my eyes. It almost seemed dream-like for a moment. It was actually really beautiful. Things quickened back up as she opened the door and he brought her back inside. I sat there for a moment, fluffing my red calico dress made of thick cotton- catipulting tiny pieces of glass off of me. They fell on the floor. I wondered if I'd get in trouble for that. I sat in the car for another minute, wondering of I should wait for her to come back out, if we were still going somewhere. After awhile, I sighed and pushed open the door and went inside. I walked down our wooden floor hallway, the one I'd gotten yelled at for pretending I was in a fashion show with every single pair or my mother's high heeled shoes.
I passed my room on the way- I had a Looney Toons lightswitch plate. "It looks like a tornado ran through here," they'd always say, when the Salina's kids used to come over and play. One time Petey took out one of my goldfish from the tank and dropped it. The all laughed as it flopped on the floor.
"Don't laugh, he can't breathe!" I screamed, as I tried to get hold of him and returned him to his tank. They kept laughing. So I told them to go home. I was sad when they left. I had spent lots of time in my room alone, with my Teddy Ruxpin, until the kids at daycare broke it- after pleads from my mother to leave it at home.
By this time I had reached my parents room. My mother was on the bed, crying.
"What happened?" I asked, I had already forgotten.
"Your Dad hit me," she said. He shushed her and tried to console her sobs. "Don't touch me!" she screamed.
I raised my eyebrows as my parents told me to get out.
"Why can't I see you anymore?" I asked
"Because, sweetie, I can't live here anymore."
By this time, my dad had already told me to go to bed. And I hated sleeping alone. As soon as my sister grew up, all I would soon want would be to sleep alone. I would soon be the time when I would visit my dad in the trailer parks he lived in while I watched him drink and leave to go shoot-up next door, while I left my less than a year old sister in the tub, when I said I'd watch her, because the commercials were over on Married with Children, and I couldn't watch that at home.
"Do you mind if I bathe your daddy?" She had said. I looked down, away from her bleach blonde hair and dirty wrinkled skin. I didn't even know her name.
"Yeah, I guess- I- I don't care." I said. 'What the fuck did you expect me to say?' I thought.
These were the times when I'd have to sit alone again, in these houses where- the men would dissappear into rooms and come back out- and lay against the wall with their heads down, their hair hanging over their faces. And I'd wonder- Why? Why did they have to look like that? Why did they lay on the floor like that? How can the way someone moves their head be so scary? And why didn't they ever say anything?
These would be the times when my mother would drive off with me in the car and my father would chase us in what seemed like would be forever. He would stand there as I'd watch him in the distance until he walked back and dissapeared. My mother would wipe away the tears from her eyes as I turned on my magenta walkman and listen to the same station that was on the radio.
I remembered a long time aferward, when I had grown alot from age six, when he came to visit us. I was probably about twelve now. He told me he was going to take me and Danielle somewhere really nice, like Fiesta Texas, but it was too much- 'A hundred dollars.' He said- and Daddy didn't have much money. We didn't hold him accountable for it. A hundred dollars seemed like a million to us. So we walked instead.
"You see that rock over there, Tammy?" He said. "When you were little, you used to be a brave little thing. You would have turned that rock over in a heartbeat." He smiled.
"Well, things are different now." I said.
